Laugh! "freefamilyhumor" from 1999 to about 7/2001|
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib.
Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant,
she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight,
amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes
glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your
thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib
like that for only $46.50."
Submitted by vinninred via Mike Hodapp's Humor http://www.fishermansnet.com/IsaiahsCorner/MMPlush.html
"We have only one person to blame, and that's each other."
Barry Beck, New York Ranger, on who started a brawl during the National
Hockey League's Stanley Cup playoffs
"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in
the 1934 World Series
"He fakes a bluff."
Ron Fairly, Giants broadcast announcer
"It could permanently hurt a batter for a long time."
Pete Rose, Cincinnati Red, speaking about a brushback pitch
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Fans, don't fail to miss tomorrow's game."
Dizzy Dean, baseball great turned sports announcer
"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls
off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing
for the Padres."
Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer, attempting to tell radio
listeners about a fly ball hit by a member of the opposing team
from IFC newsletter
(forwarded by Mike Atkinson at Youth Specialties / to subscribe to Mike's
daily posting of funnies, send e-mail to:
Mikeys-Funnies-request@YouthSpecialties.com with the word "Subscribe"
(without quotes) in the message body)
MemLok Stories. Be encouraged!
I have been truly blessed by MemLok as well as my children have. My
Totally Christian Karate classes are sure reaping the benefit also. Mitch Freistat
NOTE to Laughers, please send "experiences" you have using MemLok. It is such an encouragement to see God working!! Drake
Type "I'd like Bill Clinton to resign", then highlight the entire sentence and go to your thesaurus function (shift + F7)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would
let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The
chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will
be free to cross roads without having their motives called into
The MemLok "Cool Sites" page is now categorized. You can go more quickly to what
you're interested in. http://www.memlok.com/othsites.html
Home school, Christian Resources, Christian Lists, Education, Defending
the Faith, Pastors/Leaders, Search Engines, Computer Stuff, Youth, Family,
Kids, Missions, Web Help and Money Savers!
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many
more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the
chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who
cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which
will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the
road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time,
whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally
selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved
beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road ....it
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
Contributed by: Anonymous
Everything My Mother Taught Me
"A mother is not a person to lean on but person to make leaning
unnecessary." - Dorothy Fisher
My Mother taught me LOGIC - "If you fall off that swing and break
your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE - "If you don't stop crossing your eyes,
they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me ESP - "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I
know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE - "What were you thinking?
Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR - "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."
MY Mother taught me PATIENCE - "Sure, you can do that. As soon as
you're 21 and leave the house!"
My Mother taught me DIPLOMACY - "I don't want to hear who started it,
It takes two to fight."
My Mother taught me SHARING - " Play nicely with that or I'll just
take away from both of you."
My Mother taught me ETTIQUETTE - "Use your fork! If I see that hand
on the table again I'll Slap it!"
But most of all, My Mother taught me LOVE - " You know that whatever you do or
whatever happens, I'll stand behind you because I Love you."
Contributed by Debbi Melli
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
(Imagine putting one of these a day on some bulletin board)
You answer the door before people knock.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
You sleep with your eyes open.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using a timer.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is for sissies."
You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
Adrenaline is a downer.
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
You run twenty miles on a treadmill; then you realize it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house.
You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
People can test their batteries in your ears.
Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
Instant coffee takes too long.
When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
You don't get mad, you get steamed.
You can't even remember your second cup.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You speed walk in your sleep.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
Your Thermos is on wheels.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
All your favorite computer programs are written in JAVA.
Cotributed by http://www.interlink-cafe.com/dano/
MemLok Stories. Be encouraged!
MemLok is the BEST memorization program i've ever experianced.....
i am an artist.....so i see things visually, everthing is a picture to me. So
with MemLok it's easy to recall the pictures which my brain then links it to
the verse and the address (for me to remember the address is amazing).
i sincerely stand by my purchase of MemLok and would (and am) refer it to all
Thanks for your product, satisfied customer, your servant, Dirt
(founding father of 'Shadow of the Locust')
Actual Warning Labels
On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
Some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.
On Tesco Tiramisu desert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating
On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not iron clothes on body
On Boot Children's Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery
On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: may cause drowsiness
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's Peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chain saw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
Contributed by Jeff Wheeler
The Free stuff page is newly redesigned. Now each of the 80 some
reviewed items are categorized. Across the top are these clickable items:
Save$, Services, Software, Webpage stuff, Email stuff, Books,
and Misc. Now you can go more quickly to what you're interested in.
Enjoy. I've tried most everything I put on this list.
Bumper sticker "TITHE if you love Jesus. Any fool can honk."
At a church meeting a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of
those present about his Christian faith. "I'm a millionaire,"
he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God
in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had
just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that
night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I
knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it
all to God's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I
decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God
blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."
He finished and there was an awed silence at his testimony as
he moved toward his seat. As he sat down a little old lady
sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him "I dare
you to do it again."
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 30,000
bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising
corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and
corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
from Maranatha Christian Journal
Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for
$1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into
the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of
farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to
raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with
all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but
if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not
raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an
accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business.
He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever
made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check
for $1000 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not
raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding
myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $Click banner above for details.
the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me
any information you have on that too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally
unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free
You are an Internet Addict when...
1. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
2. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have
moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.
3. Your bookmark takes 15-10 minutes to go from top to bottom.
4. Your nightmares are in html and GIFS.
5. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
6. You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"
7. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see
a new WWW site address on TV.
8. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear
if new e-mail arrives.
9. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of
what she looks like.
10. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
MemLok Stories. Be encouraged!
We are loving our MemLok!! My 14 year old daughter has been faithful since
day 1. She is just sailing right along and doesn't have to be told to do it.
My son and I are just now getting started. We have incorporated it into our
school day since we homeschool. It is going to be an asset to our homeschool
curriculum this and every year. It is a part of their daily lesson plan so
that it won't be forgotten.
Pam Stefanov Midland, TX
11. When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you
notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
12. Your dog has its own home page.
13. You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.
14. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it
15. Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.
16. You write your homework in html and give your instructor the
17. You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because
they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
18. Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months.
19. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check
your e-mail on the way back to bed.
20. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's
got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.
21. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
22. Your wife makes a new rule "The computer cannot come to bed."w
23. You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape
Follow the Leader?
To become a stronger leader, study the words of leaders who have gone
before us. Right?
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have
was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with
-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take
-Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged
the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep."
-Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We
are the president."
-Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment
-Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
"It's like deja vu all over again."
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese"
-Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have
to beat somebody."
- Richard M. Nixon
"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before."
-Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the
Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public
-General William Westmoreland
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being
very wasteful. How true that is."
-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the
United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind
is a terrible thing to waste"
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut
right out from under your feet."
-Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
DUMB AND DUMBER
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport
hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book
about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to
be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in
seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in
the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting
beer cans off each other's head.
A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record
showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety
goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's
depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five
workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening
room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches
after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons,
setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by
the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded
the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later
accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went
out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged.
Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to
the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a
metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy
machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police
pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't
telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the
When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to
hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to
call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police
and was arrested.
A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a
steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped
aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
Real Answering Machine Messages
----------- Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is
his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets.
-----------Please leave a message. However, you have the right
to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will
be used by us.
-----------Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective
Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of
the tone, please hang up.
----------- I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and
I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it
if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something
about myself. Thanks.
----------- (Rod Sterling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered,
trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and
shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead---this is no ordinary
telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".
----------- (Recorded directly from AT&T:) > We're sorry, but the
number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service. Hi,
you've reached 340-2359. We're not peeb eht retfa egassem > ruoy
evael esaelp os, won thgir emoh. gnillac rof uoy knahT.
---------------- The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been
changed. The new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.
Actual Resume Quotes
"I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience"
"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheet progroms."
"Received a plague for salesperson of the year."
"Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
"It's best for employers that I not work with people."
"Let's meet so you can "ooh" and "aah" over my experience."
"You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Uninvolved. No commitments."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs...please feel free to respond to my
resume on my office voice mail."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and
"My goal is to become a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
"As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
"Personal interests: donating blood, fourteen gallons so far."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"Note: please do not misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never
quit a job."
"Marital status: often. Children: various."
"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my previous three employers."
"Finished eighth in my class of ten."
The World's Shortest Books
"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many
rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."
- Ronald Reagan
- The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
- Human Rights Advances in China
- "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
- Al Gore: The Wild Years
- America's Most Popular Lawyers
- Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
- Detroit - A Travel Guide
- Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
- Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
- Easy UNIX
- Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
- Everything Men Know About Women
- Everything Women Know About Men
- French Hospitality
- George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
- "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
- Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
- "One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes" by the EPA
- Staple Your Way to Success
- The Amish Phone Directory
- The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
Originally from: Stan Kegel <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Samuel Goldwyn, the movie producer who founded Goldwyn Productions
and Metro-Goldwyn-Meyer was known for his misuse of the English
language. Here are some of my favorite Goldwynisms:
"An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
"Any man who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."
"In two words, impossible."
"Include me out"
"I don't care if it (his new picture) doesn't make a nickel. I just
want every man woman and child in America to see it."
When Goldwyn's secretary asked him if she should destroy files that
were more than ten years old, he answered, "Yes, but keep copies."
"I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never
"Tell them (the actors) to stand closer apart."
"If I were in this business only for the business, I wouldn't be in
"You fail to overlook the crucial point."
"For your information, just answer me one question!'
"It's absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities."
"Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be a forgotten memory."
"Go see that turkey for yourself, and see for yourself why you
shouldn't see it."
"Can she sing? She's practically a Florence Nightingale."
"Give me a couple of years and I'll make that actress an overnight
"True, I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm giving
you a definite answer. I won't say yes and I won't say no--but I'm
giving you a definite maybe."
Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned
* No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
* When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
* If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
* Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
* You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
* Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
* Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
* Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
* Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
* School lunches stick to the wall.
* You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
* Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
* The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.
Contributed by Debbi & Royce Melli
Axioms for the Internet Age
1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the
Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
contributed by Debbi Melli
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are
seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under
The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and
begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to
be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right
and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a
guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some sort
of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start, and
the airplane starts moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among
themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin
panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and
closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there
is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at
once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to
the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to
scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
Contributed by the Melli's
"I can't tell you anymore, I've already told
you more than I know." - Bill Gaither
* Never miss a good chance to shut up.
* Motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.
* Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
* There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
* If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed
and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the
ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
* One good turn gets most of the blankets.
* Even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
* Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
* It's always darkest before dawn. (So if you're going to steal
the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.)
* To cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
* Don't want to loose something? Put it in your underwear drawer.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* The early worm gets eaten!
After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small
Southern town decided he had had enough. He told his wife that he
intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat
and coat and went to the barber shop, which was owned by the pastor
of the town's Baptist Church.
The barber's wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the
task. Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water, and said,
"That will be $20." The man thought the price was a bit high, but he
paid the bill and went to work.
The next morning the man looked in the mirror, and his face was as
smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not
bad, he thought. At least I don't need to get a shave every day. The
next morning, the man's face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the
man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face.
It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barber shop. "I
thought $20 was high for a shave", he told the barber's wife, "But you
must have done a great job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers still
haven't started growing back." Expecting his comment, the expression
on her face didn't even change. She responded, "You were shaved by
Grace. Once shaved, always shaved."
David received a parrot as a gift. This parrot was fully grown with a
bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive.
Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly
saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to
try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the
bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the
freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and
screaming, then suddenly there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly
opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended
arm and said, "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language
and action and I ask your forgiveness. In the future I will endeavor
to correct my behavior."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to
ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued:
"Umm, may I ask what the chicken did?"
OK, this one isn't FUNNY. But, I bet you'll find use for it...
A while back I was reading about an expert on subject of
time management. One day this expert was speaking to a
group of business students and, to drive home a point,
used an illustration those students will never forget.
As this man stood in front of the group of high-powered
overachievers he said, "Okay, time for a quiz."
Then he pulled out a one-gallon, wide-mouthed
mason jar and set it on a table in front of him. Then he
produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully
placed them, one at a time, into the jar.
When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would
fit inside, he asked, "Is this jar full?"
Everyone in the class said, "Yes."
Then he said, "Really?" He reached under the table and
pulled out a bucket of gravel. Then he dumped some gravel
in and shook the jar causing pieces of gravel to work
themselves down into the spaces between the big rocks.
Then he asked the group once more, "Is the jar full?"
By this time the class was onto him. "Probably not,"
one of them answered. "Good!" he replied.
He reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand.
He started dumping the sand in and it went into all the
spaces left between the rocks and the gravel. Once more
he asked the question, "Is this jar full?"
"No!" the class shouted. Once again he said, "Good!"
Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in
until the jar was filled to the brim. Then he looked up at
the class and asked, "What is the point of this illustration?"
One eager beaver raised his hand and said, "The point is,
no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really
hard, you can always fit some more things into it!"
"No," the speaker replied, "that's not the point. The
truth this illustration teaches us is: If you don't put
the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all."
What are the 'big rocks' in your life?
A project that YOU want to accomplish? Time with your loved
ones? Your faith, your education, your finances? A cause?
Teaching or mentoring others?
Remember to put these BIG ROCKS in first or you'll never get them
in at all. ---
So, tonight or in the morning when you are reflecting on this
short story, ask yourself this question: What are the 'big
rocks' in my life or business? Then, put those in your jar first.
Received from email@example.com (who also sends lots of other good stuff!!)
More Points to Ponder
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Supposedly Actual Marketing Slogans
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you'll
never go anywhere again.
Dog for sale: eats anything; is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue
Cross and salary.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by
Great Dames for sale.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
Are you ready to be a parent?
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant
parents to take to prepare themselves for the real life experience of
being a mother or father.
1. Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick
a beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for nine months. After
nine months, remove 10% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the
contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to
help himself. Next, go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your
salary paid directly to its head office. Go home. Pick up the paper
and read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who
are already parents and berate them about their methods of
discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and
how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in
which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet
training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it -- it's the
last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from
5 p.m. until 10 p.m. carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12
pounds. At 10 p.m. put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and
go to sleep. Get up at 12 a.m. and walk around the living room again
with the bag until 1 a.m. Put the alarm on for 3 a.m. Since you can't
go back to sleep, get up at 2 a.m. and make a pot of tea. Go to bed
at 2:45 a.m. Get up again at 3 a.m. when the alarm goes off, sing
songs in the dark until 4 a.m. Put the alarm on for 5 a.m. Get up.
Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut
butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick
behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers
in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains
with crayons. How does that look?
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an
octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string
bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this--all
6. Get an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint,
turn it into an alligator. Now get a toilet paper tube. Using only
scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last,
take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of CoCo
Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations,
you have just qualified for a place on the play group committee.
7. Forget the Miata and buy the mini-van. And don't think you can
leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't
look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove
compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette
player. Take a family-size bag of chocolate cookies. Mash them down
the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There!
Perfect! (to be continued after this...)
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go
out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out
again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down it
again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5-10 minutes. Stop to inspect
minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty
tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream
that you've had as much as you can stand until all the neighbors come
out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You're now
just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take the nearest thing you can find
to a pre-school child with you. A fully grown goat is excellent. If
you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy
your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.
Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily
accomplish this DO NOT even contemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it
from the ceiling and swing it from the ceiling and swing it from side
to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Fruit Loops and attempt to spoon it
into the hole of the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
Continue until half of the Fruit Loops are gone. Tip the rest into
your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are
now ready to feed a 12-month old child.
12. Learn the names of every character from 'Barney and Friends' and
'Sesame street'. When you find yourself singing, "I love you, you
love me" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.
Thanx to Giggle's Humor List.
Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has
about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that
falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the
cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.
'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs -
it will let you go instantly.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple.
Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
In a Georgia cemetery:
"I told you I was sick!"
Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
For not rising.
Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in
the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.
On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.
Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down. It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
But does he make house calls? Dr. Fred Roberts, Brookland, Arkansas:
Top 15 best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:
15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the
last time management course you sent me to."
13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm!"
11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan"
(SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me
8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work -
7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a
solution to our biggest problem."
6. "The coffee machine is broken...."
5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the
2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without
AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
seeing the sights
first time ever
shrug one's shoulders
Why It's Great To Be a Guy
Phone conversations last 30 seconds
You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase
Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
You can open all your own jars
When clicking thru the channels you don't have to stop on every shot
of someone crying
You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere
You can go to the bathroom alone
Your last name stays put
You can leave a hotel room bed unmade
You can kill your own food
The garage is all yours
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
You never have to clean the toilet
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
Wedding plans take care of themselves
If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your
Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3
None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry
You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night
If you're 34 and single, no one notices
Chocolate is just another snack
Flowers fix Everything
Three pair of shoes are more than enough
You can say anything and not worry about what people think
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
Car mechanics tell you the truth
You don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice your new haircut
You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy
thinking, "He must be mad at me"
One mood, all the time
You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to
look like him
Same work........more pay
Gray hair and wrinkles add character
Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental 100 bucks
You don't care if someone is talking behind your back
You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's
If you retain water, it is in a canteen
The remote is yours and yours alone
You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the
If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell
your friends you've changed
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might
become lifelong buddies
"George Washington, did YOU chop down the cherry tree?"
"I think you are lying."
"No, no, no! I swear I did NOT chop down the cherry tree."
"Son, I saw you out here with your axe. Your punishment will be much
worse for you if you lie. Now, tell me the truth!"
"Dad, I answered your question truthfully. Still, I must take complete
responsibility for all my actions. While my answer was legally
accurate, I did not volunteer information.
"Indeed, Dad, I did cause the cherry tree to be lying on the ground.
To do this was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a
personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.
"I know my answer to you gave a false impression. I misled you, my own
father. I deeply regret that.
"I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a
desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct.
"I was also very concerned about protecting Mom from this shock.
"What I did, Dad, was use a saw to cause the cherry tree to fall. Only
after the tree was already down did I go get my axe to chop off individual
So, I chopped off branches, but sawed down the tree. Look at the saw
cut on the stump and the axe cuts on the branches. Therefore, legally, I
told the truth.
"I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of this fallen tree and to
return our attention to a solid family relationship."
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
"intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package.
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman
who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas
canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them,
shouting pleas to come out and give himself up...
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2
cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money
in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the
store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police
showed up and grabbed him.
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat
backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane."
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to
switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish,
but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold
outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
"This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that
monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in
their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at
the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and
pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure
your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two
small children, decide now which one you love more."
THE SMOKING SECTION
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight. If you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing
of the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in
the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker "Whoa, big fella ... WHOA!"
An announcement made by the head flight attendant after landing "That
was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell
you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it
wasn't the flight attendants' fault. It was the asphalt!"
An airline pilot tells us that on a particular flight, he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy that
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, giving them a smile and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He
said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady
walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady
said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
On a flight into Amarillo, Texas, after an extremely hard landing, the
flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts
fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
Another flight attendant's comment on a less-than-perfect landing "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
GREAT EXIT LINES
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
Actual signs seen across the good ol' U.S.A
.At a brake shop near my home here in La Habra CA, "We stand in front of our
At a Santa Fe gas station We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass
In a New York restaurant Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil
ought to see the manager.
On the wall of a Baltimore estate Trespassers will be prosecuted to the
full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners 38 years on the same
In a Los Angeles dance hall Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
In a Florida maternity ward No children allowed.
In a New York drugstore We dispense with accuracy.
In the offices of a loan company Ask about our plans for owning your
In a New York medical building Mental Health Prevention Center
On a New York convalescent home For the sick and tired of the Episcopal
On a Maine shop Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible
prices and workmanship.
At a number of military bases Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards Now available in
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store Don't kill your wife. Let
our washing machine do the dirty work.
In a clothing store Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store 15 men's wool suits, $10.
They won't last an hour!
On a shopping mall marquee Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced.
Outside a country shop We buy junk and sell antiques.
In the window of an Oregon store Why go elsewhere and be cheated when
you can come here?
In a Maine restaurant Open 7 days a week and weekends.
In a Pennsylvania cemetery Persons are prohibited from picking flowers
from any but their own graves.
On a roller coaster Watch your head.
On the grounds of a public school No trespassing without permission.
On a Tennessee highway When this sign is under water, this road is
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash If you can't read
this, it's time to wash your car.
And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise
untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says "Do not throw
stones at this sign."
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