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Laugh! "freefamilyhumor" from 1999 to about 7/2001 Men... One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said. "It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50." Submitted by vinninred via Mike Hodapp's Humor http://www.fishermansnet.com/IsaiahsCorner/MMPlush.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SPORTS BLOOPERS "We have only one person to blame, and that's each other." Barry Beck, New York Ranger, on who started a brawl during the National Hockey League's Stanley Cup playoffs "The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing." Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series "He fakes a bluff." Ron Fairly, Giants broadcast announcer "It could permanently hurt a batter for a long time." Pete Rose, Cincinnati Red, speaking about a brushback pitch "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. "Fans, don't fail to miss tomorrow's game." Dizzy Dean, baseball great turned sports announcer "Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres." Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer, attempting to tell radio listeners about a fly ball hit by a member of the opposing team from IFC newsletter (forwarded by Mike Atkinson at Youth Specialties / to subscribe to Mike's daily posting of funnies, send e-mail to: Mikeys-Funnies-request@YouthSpecialties.com with the word "Subscribe" (without quotes) in the message body) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MemLok Stories. Be encouraged! I have been truly blessed by MemLok as well as my children have. My Totally Christian Karate classes are sure reaping the benefit also. Mitch Freistat NOTE to Laughers, please send "experiences" you have using MemLok. It is such an encouragement to see God working!! Drake ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Odd... Type "I'd like Bill Clinton to resign", then highlight the entire sentence and go to your thesaurus function (shift + F7) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side. PLATO: For the greater good. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. See It! | Sitemap | Frequently Asked Questions | Benefits | Reviews | Home | 714-699-4462 | SHOPThe MemLok "Cool Sites" page is now categorized. You can go more quickly to what you're interested in. http://www.memlok.com/othsites.html Categories: Home school, Christian Resources, Christian Lists, Education, Defending the Faith, Pastors/Leaders, Search Engines, Computer Stuff, Youth, Family, Kids, Missions, Web Help and Money Savers! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads. EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road ....it transcended it. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? Contributed by: Anonymous ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Everything My Mother Taught Me "A mother is not a person to lean on but person to make leaning unnecessary." - Dorothy Fisher My Mother taught me LOGIC - "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me." My Mother taught me MEDICINE - "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way." My Mother taught me ESP - "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?" My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE - "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!" My Mother taught me HUMOR - "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." MY Mother taught me PATIENCE - "Sure, you can do that. As soon as you're 21 and leave the house!" My Mother taught me DIPLOMACY - "I don't want to hear who started it, It takes two to fight." My Mother taught me SHARING - " Play nicely with that or I'll just take away from both of you." My Mother taught me ETTIQUETTE - "Use your fork! If I see that hand on the table again I'll Slap it!" But most of all, My Mother taught me LOVE - " You know that whatever you do or whatever happens, I'll stand behind you because I Love you." Contributed by Debbi Melli ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When... (Imagine putting one of these a day on some bulletin board) You answer the door before people knock. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. You sleep with your eyes open. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. You take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using a timer. You lick your coffeepot clean. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is for sissies." You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. Adrenaline is a downer. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." You don't sweat, you percolate. You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel. You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. You run twenty miles on a treadmill; then you realize it's not plugged in. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. People get dizzy just watching you. You've worn the finish off your coffee table. Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house. You're so wired, you pick up AM radio. People can test their batteries in your ears. Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans. Instant coffee takes too long. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar." You don't get mad, you get steamed. You can't even remember your second cup. You help your dog chase its tail. You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation." Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup. You ski uphill. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. You speed walk in your sleep. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. Your Thermos is on wheels. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You can outlast the Energizer bunny. You short out motion detectors. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. All your favorite computer programs are written in JAVA. Cotributed by http://www.interlink-cafe.com/dano/ See It! | Sitemap | Frequently Asked Questions | Benefits | Reviews | Home | 714-699-4462 | SHOPMemLok Stories. Be encouraged! MemLok is the BEST memorization program i've ever experianced..... i am an artist.....so i see things visually, everthing is a picture to me. So with MemLok it's easy to recall the pictures which my brain then links it to the verse and the address (for me to remember the address is amazing). i sincerely stand by my purchase of MemLok and would (and am) refer it to all my frends. Thanks for your product, satisfied customer, your servant, Dirt (founding father of 'Shadow of the Locust') http://locustfist.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Actual Warning Labels On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. Some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. On Tesco Tiramisu desert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not iron clothes on body On Boot Children's Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: may cause drowsiness On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. On Sainsbury's Peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. On a Swedish chain saw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. Contributed by Jeff Wheeler ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Free stuff page is newly redesigned. Now each of the 80 some reviewed items are categorized. Across the top are these clickable items: Save$, Services, Software, Webpage stuff, Email stuff, Books, and Misc. Now you can go more quickly to what you're interested in. Enjoy. I've tried most everything I put on this list. http://www.memlok.com/freestuf.htm ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TITHE Bumper sticker "TITHE if you love Jesus. Any fool can honk." At a church meeting a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith. "I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."
He finished and there was an awed silence at his testimony as
he moved toward his seat. As he sat down a little old lady
sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him "I dare
you to do it again." See It! | Sitemap | Frequently Asked Questions | Benefits | Reviews | Home | 714-699-4462 | SHOPAlso, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election. Patriotically Yours, P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese. ..source unknown ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You are an Internet Addict when... 1. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. 2. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened. 3. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom. 4. Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS. 5. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 6. You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com" 7. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV. 8. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives. 9. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. 10. All of your friends have an @ in their names. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MemLok Stories. Be encouraged! We are loving our MemLok!! My 14 year old daughter has been faithful since day 1. She is just sailing right along and doesn't have to be told to do it. My son and I are just now getting started. We have incorporated it into our school day since we homeschool. It is going to be an asset to our homeschool curriculum this and every year. It is a part of their daily lesson plan so that it won't be forgotten. Pam Stefanov Midland, TX ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 11. When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple. 12. Your dog has its own home page. 13. You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem. 14. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. 15. Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick. 16. You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL. 17. You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask. 18. Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months. 19. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 20. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job. 21. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse. 22. Your wife makes a new rule "The computer cannot come to bed."w 23. You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape ..source unknown @@@@@@@@@@@@@ s Follow the Leader? To become a stronger leader, study the words of leaders who have gone before us. Right? "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people" -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle "They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers. "The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." -Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents "When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." -Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge "It's like deja vu all over again." -Yogi Berra "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese" -Former French President Charles De Gaulle "It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody." - Richard M. Nixon "Things are more like they are now than they ever were before." -Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower "A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money." -Everett Dirksen "A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on." -Samuel Goldwyn See It! | Sitemap | Frequently Asked Questions | Benefits | Reviews | Home | 714-699-4462 | SHOP"Half this game is ninety percent mental." - Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." -General William Westmoreland "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste" "If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet." -Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin @@@@@@@@@@@@@ DUMB AND DUMBER Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills. ************************************************************ Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder. ************************************************************ A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head. ************************************************************ A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film. ************************************************************ The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits. ************************************************************ A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain. ************************************************************ A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour. ************************************************************ Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. ************************************************************ When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested. ************************************************************ A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop. @@@@@@@@@@@@@ Real Answering Machine Messages ----------- Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. -----------Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. -----------Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up. ----------- I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks. ----------- (Rod Sterling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead---this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone". ----------- (Recorded directly from AT&T:) > We're sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service. Hi, you've reached 340-2359. We're not peeb eht retfa egassem > ruoy evael esaelp os, won thgir emoh. gnillac rof uoy knahT. ---------------- The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it. @@@@@@@@@@@@@ Actual Resume Quotes From: Larryspeak@aol.com "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience" "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheet progroms." "Received a plague for salesperson of the year." "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave." "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades." "It's best for employers that I not work with people." "Let's meet so you can "ooh" and "aah" over my experience." "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time." "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details." "I was working for my mom until she decided to move." "Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Uninvolved. No commitments." "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse." "I am loyal to my employer at all costs...please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail." "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing." "My goal is to become a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant." "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments." "Personal interests: donating blood, fourteen gallons so far." "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store." "Note: please do not misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job." "Marital status: often. Children: various." "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my previous three employers." "Finished eighth in my class of ten." See It! | Sitemap | Frequently Asked Questions | Benefits | Reviews | Home | 714-699-4462 | SHOPThe World's Shortest Books "Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book." - Ronald Reagan - The Difference between Reality and Dilbert - Human Rights Advances in China - "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman - Al Gore: The Wild Years - America's Most Popular Lawyers - Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors - Detroit - A Travel Guide - Different Ways to Spell "Bob" - Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches - Easy UNIX - Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance - Everything Men Know About Women - Everything Women Know About Men - French Hospitality - George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names - "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel - Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette - "One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes" by the EPA - Staple Your Way to Success - The Amish Phone Directory - The Engineer's Guide to Fashion @@@@@@@@@@@@@ Goldwynisms Originally from: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net> Samuel Goldwyn, the movie producer who founded Goldwyn Productions and Metro-Goldwyn-Meyer was known for his misuse of the English language. Here are some of my favorite Goldwynisms: "An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on." "Any man who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined." "In two words, impossible." "Include me out" "I don't care if it (his new picture) doesn't make a nickel. I just want every man woman and child in America to see it." When Goldwyn's secretary asked him if she should destroy files that were more than ten years old, he answered, "Yes, but keep copies." "I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong." "Tell them (the actors) to stand closer apart." "If I were in this business only for the business, I wouldn't be in this business." "You fail to overlook the crucial point." "For your information, just answer me one question!' "It's absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities." "Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be a forgotten memory." "Go see that turkey for yourself, and see for yourself why you shouldn't see it." "Can she sing? She's practically a Florence Nightingale." "Give me a couple of years and I'll make that actress an overnight success." "True, I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm giving you a definite answer. I won't say yes and I won't say no--but I'm giving you a definite maybe." @@@@@@@@@@@@@ Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned * No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. * When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. * If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. * Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. * You can't trust dogs to watch your food. * Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot. * Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. * Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. * Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time. * School lunches stick to the wall. * You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. * Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. * The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap. Contributed by Debbi & Royce Melli @@@@@@@@@@@@@ Axioms for the Internet Age 1. Home is where you hang your @ 2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. 5. Great groups from little icons grow. 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 7. C:\ is the root of all directories. 8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page. 9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. 10. The modem is the message. 11. Too many clicks spoil the browse. 12. The geek shall inherit the earth. 13. A chat has nine lives. 14. Don't byte off more than you can view. 15. Fax is stranger than fiction. 16. What boots up must come down. 17. Windows will never cease. 18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal). 19. Virtual reality is its own reward. 20. Modulation in all things. 21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted. 22. There's no place like http://www.home.com 23. Know what to expect before you connect. 24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. 25. Speed thrills. 26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. contributed by Debbi Melli @@@@@@@@@@@@@ See It! | Sitemap | Frequently Asked Questions | Benefits | Reviews | Home | 714-699-4462 | SHOPPILOTS One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start, and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!" Contributed by the Melli's @@@@@@@@@@@@@ Wisdom Words "I can't tell you anymore, I've already told you more than I know." - Bill Gaither * Never miss a good chance to shut up. * Motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. * Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day. * There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works. * If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'. * When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. * One good turn gets most of the blankets. * Even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. * Never lick a gift horse in the mouth. * It's always darkest before dawn. (So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.) * To cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. * Two wrongs are only the beginning. * The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. * Don't want to loose something? Put it in your underwear drawer. * The second mouse gets the cheese. * The early worm gets eaten! @@@@@@@@@@@@@ THE BARBER After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat and coat and went to the barber shop, which was owned by the pastor of the town's Baptist Church. The barber's wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the task. Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water, and said, "That will be $20." The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work. The next morning the man looked in the mirror, and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don't need to get a shave every day. The next morning, the man's face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barber shop. "I thought $20 was high for a shave", he told the barber's wife, "But you must have done a great job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers still haven't started growing back." Expecting his comment, the expression on her face didn't even change. She responded, "You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved." @@@@@@@@@@@@@ The Parrot David received a parrot as a gift. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming, then suddenly there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. In the future I will endeavor to correct my behavior." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "Umm, may I ask what the chicken did?" @@@@@@@@@@@@@ See It! | Sitemap | Frequently Asked Questions | Benefits | Reviews | Home | 714-699-4462 | SHOPOK, this one isn't FUNNY. But, I bet you'll find use for it... BIG ROCKS A while back I was reading about an expert on subject of time management. One day this expert was speaking to a group of business students and, to drive home a point, used an illustration those students will never forget. As this man stood in front of the group of high-powered overachievers he said, "Okay, time for a quiz." Then he pulled out a one-gallon, wide-mouthed mason jar and set it on a table in front of him. Then he produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar. When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked, "Is this jar full?" Everyone in the class said, "Yes." Then he said, "Really?" He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. Then he dumped some gravel in and shook the jar causing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the spaces between the big rocks. Then he asked the group once more, "Is the jar full?" By this time the class was onto him. "Probably not," one of them answered. "Good!" he replied. He reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in and it went into all the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel. Once more he asked the question, "Is this jar full?" "No!" the class shouted. Once again he said, "Good!" Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim. Then he looked up at the class and asked, "What is the point of this illustration?" One eager beaver raised his hand and said, "The point is, no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard, you can always fit some more things into it!" "No," the speaker replied, "that's not the point. The truth this illustration teaches us is: If you don't put the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all." What are the 'big rocks' in your life? A project that YOU want to accomplish? Time with your loved ones? Your faith, your education, your finances? A cause? Teaching or mentoring others? Remember to put these BIG ROCKS in first or you'll never get them in at all. --- So, tonight or in the morning when you are reflecting on this short story, ask yourself this question: What are the 'big rocks' in my life or business? Then, put those in your jar first. Received from rmeilli@ibm.net (who also sends lots of other good stuff!!) @@@@@@@@@@@@@ More Points to Ponder Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? Why does sour cream have an expiration date? What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? @@@@@@@@@@@@@ Supposedly Actual Marketing Slogans Illiterate? Write today for free help. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you'll never go anywhere again. Dog for sale: eats anything; is fond of children. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. Stock up and save. Limit: one. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00 We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. Great Dames for sale. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. Man, honest. Will take anything. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. @@@@@@@@@@@@@ See It! | Sitemap | Frequently Asked Questions | Benefits | Reviews | Home | 714-699-4462 | SHOPAre you ready to be a parent? Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real life experience of being a mother or father. 1. Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for nine months. After nine months, remove 10% of the beans. Men: To prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Next, go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to its head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time. 2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it -- it's the last time in your life that you will have all the answers. 3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5 p.m. until 10 p.m. carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds. At 10 p.m. put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 a.m. and walk around the living room again with the bag until 1 a.m. Put the alarm on for 3 a.m. Since you can't go back to sleep, get up at 2 a.m. and make a pot of tea. Go to bed at 2:45 a.m. Get up again at 3 a.m. when the alarm goes off, sing songs in the dark until 4 a.m. Put the alarm on for 5 a.m. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. 4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look? 5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this--all morning. 6. Get an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now get a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of CoCo Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the play group committee. 7. Forget the Miata and buy the mini-van. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size bag of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect! (to be continued after this...) 8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand until all the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You're now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk. 9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times. 10. Go to your local supermarket. Take the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child with you. A fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this DO NOT even contemplate having children. 11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Fruit Loops and attempt to spoon it into the hole of the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Fruit Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old child. 12. Learn the names of every character from 'Barney and Friends' and 'Sesame street'. When you find yourself singing, "I love you, you love me" at work, you finally qualify as a parent. Thanx to Giggle's Humor List. @@@@@@@@@@@@@ Hmm... Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself. 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs - it will let you go instantly. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple. Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots. More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes. A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. @@@@@@@@@@@@@ Tombstones In a Georgia cemetery: "I told you I was sick!" Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: Here lies Johnny Yeast Pardon me For not rising. Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery: Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake. Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona: Here lies Lester Moore Four slugs from a .44 No Les No More. On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia: She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her. Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903--Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: Here lies an Atheist All dressed up And no place to go. But does he make house calls? Dr. Fred Roberts, Brookland, Arkansas: Office upstairs @@@@@@@@@@@@@ See It! | Sitemap | Frequently Asked Questions | Benefits | Reviews | Home | 714-699-4462 | SHOPTop 15 best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to." 13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper" 12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!" 11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" 10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance" 9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. 8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work - related stress." 7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 6. "The coffee machine is broken...." 5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot." 4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!" 3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!" 2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands." AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK: 1. "Amen" @@@@@@@@@@@@@ Favorite Redundancies added bonus exactly right closed fist future potential inner core money-back refund seeing the sights true fact revert back safe haven prior history sum total end result temper tantrum ferryboat free gift bare naked combined total potential hazard joint cooperation total abstinence subject matter honest truth advance warning future plans Jewish synagogue occasional irregularity plan ahead basic fundamentals first time ever personal friend shrug one's shoulders close proximity ATM machine PIN number coequal common bond small minority serious crisis foreign imports exact same continue on focus in convicted felon past experience linger on @@@@@@@@@@@@@ Why It's Great To Be a Guy Phone conversations last 30 seconds You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase Bathroom lines are 80% shorter You can open all your own jars When clicking thru the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go You can go to the bathroom alone Your last name stays put You can leave a hotel room bed unmade You can kill your own food The garage is all yours You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness You never have to clean the toilet You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes Wedding plans take care of themselves If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3 None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night If you're 34 and single, no one notices Chocolate is just another snack Flowers fix Everything Three pair of shoes are more than enough You can say anything and not worry about what people think You can whip your shirt off on a hot day Car mechanics tell you the truth You don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice your new haircut You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking, "He must be mad at me" One mood, all the time You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him Same work........more pay Gray hair and wrinkles add character Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental 100 bucks You don't care if someone is talking behind your back You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's If you retain water, it is in a canteen The remote is yours and yours alone You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies @@@@@@@@@@@@@ See It! | Sitemap | Frequently Asked Questions | Benefits | Reviews | Home | 714-699-4462 | SHOPGeorge Washington "George Washington, did YOU chop down the cherry tree?" "No, Dad." "I think you are lying." "No, no, no! I swear I did NOT chop down the cherry tree." "Son, I saw you out here with your axe. Your punishment will be much worse for you if you lie. Now, tell me the truth!" "Dad, I answered your question truthfully. Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions. While my answer was legally accurate, I did not volunteer information. "Indeed, Dad, I did cause the cherry tree to be lying on the ground. To do this was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible. "I know my answer to you gave a false impression. I misled you, my own father. I deeply regret that. "I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. "I was also very concerned about protecting Mom from this shock. "What I did, Dad, was use a saw to cause the cherry tree to fall. Only after the tree was already down did I go get my axe to chop off individual branches. So, I chopped off branches, but sawed down the tree. Look at the saw cut on the stump and the axe cuts on the branches. Therefore, legally, I told the truth. "I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of this fallen tree and to return our attention to a solid family relationship." @@@@@@@@@@@@@ Brains ??? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up... A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs. A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. @@@@@@@@@@@@@ AIRPLANE SAFETY "As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position." "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane." "Your seat cushions can be used for floatation and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft." "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children." "To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised." "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more." THE SMOKING SECTION "We do feature a smoking section on this flight. If you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane." "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately." ROUGH LANDINGS As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker "Whoa, big fella ... WHOA!" An announcement made by the head flight attendant after landing "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault. It was the asphalt!" An airline pilot tells us that on a particular flight, he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, giving them a smile and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" On a flight into Amarillo, Texas, after an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" Another flight attendant's comment on a less-than-perfect landing "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." GREAT EXIT LINES "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it." @@@@@@@@@@@@@ See It! | Sitemap | Frequently Asked Questions | Benefits | Reviews | Home | 714-699-4462 | SHOP.At a brake shop near my home here in La Habra CA, "We stand in front of our brake jobs." At a Santa Fe gas station We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container. In a New York restaurant Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager. On the wall of a Baltimore estate Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners 38 years on the same spot. In a Los Angeles dance hall Good clean dancing every night but Sunday. In a Florida maternity ward No children allowed. In a New York drugstore We dispense with accuracy. In the offices of a loan company Ask about our plans for owning your home. In a New York medical building Mental Health Prevention Center On a New York convalescent home For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church. On a Maine shop Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship. At a number of military bases Restricted to unauthorized personnel. On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards Now available in multi-packs. In the window of a Kentucky appliance store Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work. In a clothing store Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks. In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store 15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour! On a shopping mall marquee Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced. Outside a country shop We buy junk and sell antiques. In the window of an Oregon store Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here? In a Maine restaurant Open 7 days a week and weekends. In a Pennsylvania cemetery Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves. On a roller coaster Watch your head. On the grounds of a public school No trespassing without permission. On a Tennessee highway When this sign is under water, this road is impassable. Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car. And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says "Do not throw stones at this sign." @@@@@@@@@@@@@ Credits: Maranatha Christian Journal's Newsletters "Sixth-Sense" - "The Sense of Humor" Clean humor worth sharing START getting Sixth-Sense, SEND "subscribe 6th-sense" TO 6th-Sense Clean Humor Mike Hodapp Humor@fishermansnet.com Laugh-A-Lot! - The daily clean-jokes-only list! * To join or leave the list, Email us Send the message SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE (No other words!) * Send new clean jokes to jokes@graceweb.org * No cows were shot, blown up, or injured to manufacture this email. * Joke Compilations (c)1998; Permission granted to forward, or post on other lists/sites; if this notice is fully included, thanks! * Individual jokes may be copyrighted where noted. Copyrighted materials are not posted purposefully without permission. Archives at http://GraceWeb.org/Laugh-A-Lot! 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